The depths of the internet

I keep finding myself turning to my phone - specifically the internet browser - a lot lately. I go to the browser with big life questions like “when will I get pregnant?” “will we ever be able to conceive a child?”

Of course I’m not usually typing in those exact questions, but that’s what I so desperately want someone, even if it’s Google, to answer for me. The specific queries are usually more like "is [insert symptom here] a sign of pregnancy?” or “foods to improve fertility.”

These searches inevitably lead me down a rabbit hole through the depths of the internet… to mommy forums where you can ALWAYS find someone who got pregnant after having that weird symptom you’re having. Headaches? yep. Nosebleeds? yes.

I had to stop letting myself search recently. I practically have the forums memorized.

I am practicing being ok with the thoughts and questions spinning around in my brain with nowhere to go, no “answers” to find. It has taken some getting used to and I definitely slip up - especially late at night when my willpower for the day has been consumed. I am working on finding time for the silence - the kind of silence that lets in thoughts that can be scary, but also lets in hope and light if you allow it to.