Hard is not relative

Two or three years ago, I listened to this TEDRadioHour podcast called “Keeping Secrets” on my way to work. There is an idea in it that I keep coming back to, again and again, and even more since experiencing infertility. It is applicable to every hard situation. So, no matter what your hard thing is, I hope this becomes a helpful reminder (or mantra or whatever you want to call it) for you, too.

In her 2013 TEDx talk (video below), Ash Beckham, shares her perspective on empathy and the importance of being open. In it, she says “hard is not relative, it’s just hard.” This is the line that got me. Still gets me. I’ll let it sink in…

She goes on to elaborate that everyone goes through hard things. We cannot, she says, be the judge of anyone’s hard stuff but our own. We cannot say that having a miscarriage is harder or less hard than undergoing IVF, or that experiencing a house fire is harder or less hard than experiencing a death in the family or a serious illness.

As we have navigated through infertility it has been hard. Period. I have tried to stop myself when I have the inevitable thoughts of ‘yeah, but this person is going through this hard thing which is much worse than infertility so I should keep my feelings in check’ or the converse ‘you think you have it bad? try experiencing infertility.’ Hard is not relative, its just hard.

The ironic thing is that this is not even the thesis of the TEDx talk. Her point is that we all have secrets, and sharing them is hard. Being vulnerable and opening up to loved ones, strangers, anyone, is HARD. But, she says, it is imperative that we share, not only for us but for others who may be going through the same thing. That’s what this blog has been for me - a place to share my “secret” of infertility. I’m only now connecting the dots that the thesis of this TEDx talk that I took one of my most used mantras from would have nudged me to share too. Go watch this. It’s a little over 9 minutes long and you won’t be disappointed.