The worst best kept secret

We didn’t tell people we were having trouble conceiving for a little while, and even then have not shared widely (until now… if you’re reading this). Which brings me to the title of the post…

Infertility: the worst (because it sucks) best kept secret (because no one talks about it)….

Why? The short answer: we knew this could be a long ride and it is really hard to feel like everyone is anticipating good news from you and that instead you are a constant disappointment.

I know that our friends and family don’t actually think we are a disappointment, but it is no fun to constantly deliver bad news. Some days, I am in a good place to share where we’re at, and some days I just want to drink wine very publicly so no one will ask how it’s going.

Today feels like a good day to write about this particular subject because I am in the midst of my constant inner battle of “to share or not to share.” I feel like a broken record, but the roller coaster of emotions during this process is enough to make even the most level-headed person a little crazy. In the past two weeks I have smiled bigger than I have in a long time, sought signs of hope and positivity, and then spent tonight sobbing the entire way home from work. Yes, some of it is hormone induced, but a lot of it for me is the process itself. The way that you can begin each new cycle filled with SO. MUCH. HOPE.. only to get knocked down by a not-so-great call from a nurse, or the seemingly un-ending chain of doctors appointments, expenses, fertility drugs, attempts to clean up your diet or stress less or whatever. If I let more people in on the secret, will I have to deliver sad news more? What if this doesn’t work at all? What happens then? Welcome to my inner battle.

Today, I’m decidedly not in a sharing mood. I don’t want to explain what’s going on to well-meaning friends and family, I just want to crawl under a blanket and cry. So for today, the fewer people who know, the better.

But here’s the thing: tomorrow, I might be ok to share. Tomorrow, this post might help someone else who is going through this realize it’s ok to be sad and to not want to talk to anyone. It is OK.

I am reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. One of the very first lessons he imparts is that not giving a f$ck doesn’t mean not caring about anything. Instead it means choosing the things you will give a f%ck about, and then pursuing those relentlessly.

I give a f#ck about not keeping this secret, in order to both clear some of the BS from my head, and to help others who are not ready to share. If you reach out and I’m not in a good place that day, I’ll let you know. :)

I give a f&ck about trying everything we can to have a baby… and pulling myself back up when it is all just too much.